Anchors Away!

I get a bit peeved when people talk down about our military men, describing them as uneducated hoodlums without class and no morals. 

But I also wonder why military men wonder why they get such a bad rap.  

So there I am on Sunday morning, right in the middle of "downtown Tamuning" and I see this. Four offensively white  and heavily tattooed bodies, earrings a danglin', smoking and throwing the butts on the street. All while in the back of a U.S. Navy vehicle. 

What the fuck..... over. 

People Who Clog Up Parking Lots To Get a Parking Space Closer to the Store Even Though They're Fat as Hell and Really Need the Exercise!

Just when I didn't think I'd find anything to write about today, another topic plops down in front of me.  

The title kinda says it all doesn't it? 

This is something that really pisses me off.  

People, like fucking sharks, circling the parking lot in hopes of getting a parking space close to the front of the building they want to go in. Not surprisingly, people that really need the exercise seem to be the most likely to do this.  They stop their cars, holding up traffic waiting for someone to put their bags away, strap their kids in the car seats, have a conversation with someone in the next row, and finally back out of their parking space, just so they don't have to walk he extra 50 fucking feet from the nearest spot "right over there."  The rest of us sit there, waiting, cursing, fantasizing about inflicting pain on them.  Then, some morbidly obese fat slob who probably hasn't seen their genitalia in decades, spills out of their car and waddles into the Denny's.  

And they see nothing wrong with it. 

I feel a photo essay coming on..... 

Call the Discovery Channel, This Mystery is Solved!!

For all you nay-sayers  out there,  there is finally photographic evidence that Sasquatch does exist.   I captured this photograph of the female of the species while feeding just today.

All these years,  the egg-heads and assorted freaks have been searching in vein the woods of northern California and Washington hoping to find evidence of the fable creature.  And here’s one right in front of me, on Guam.

Yep folks, that’s right, Sasquatch is a beach bum, who also   fancies fried chicken from time to time, as depicted in this photograph, snapped with my blackberry.  Luckily for science,  I was set  for quick photography, so I could draw and shoot quickly, then  egress  unnoticed and unharmed.   Surely I’d face certain  death in the clamp of her powerful jowls had the beast discovered my intent to plaster her fat ass all over the net .

It was my greatest wish to provide you with a full frontal shot of this giant, but the sound of crushing and snapping chicken bones froze me in my tracks. 

Please email me if you’d like an autographed copy. 

Sound the Feasting Horn!

Yes of course, there has to be a Thanksgiving post.

Today I was cordially invited for Thanksgiving buffet at the Hotel Nikko Resort.  I like the Nikko, it’s almost like another country, and I’m always the tallest person in the room, which is always appealing. Hulking primate that I am, I like to tie on the feed bag now and again.  So, lured with the promise of a selection of wonderful food, including my favorite, roasted pig (a taste I have acquired since moving to the island) and all manner of free beer, wine, and champagne, at precisely 1115am, the cage door slams behind me and I'm off.

Sadly, I didn’t take into account that a few hundred others were also cordially invited.  And it seems they all got there before me.  The buffet was decimated.  The only thing left were food boogers.  The animals ate everything.  And the pig, the only thing left was the beast’s snout. 

No thanks, I’m not that hungry.  I’ll go have it my way at Burger King……

 

Of All the Things That Piss Me Off......

Microsoft Vista officially ranks #1 on my Shit List, sharing the spot with it's creator, Bill Gates. 

 Thanks to Vista, I am now the proud owner of a sleek, sexy, and very FUNCTIONAL MacBook Pro.  I fuckin' love it I tell ya.  

 Why? 

Because it WORKS.  Unlike any of the three HP laptops I've purchased over the last 2 years, that hardly worked even out of the box.  And I won’t mention the two desktops that had to have the hard drives replaced.

 Magically, I push a button on my MacBook, and I'm transported into a new world in a matter of seconds.  Not minutes or even tens of minutes as with “The Fucking PC.” Only seconds.  It’s ready. I can work. I can play.  I can frolic. It’s glorious.

My new world is a wondrous place.  A place  free of pop up windows.  A place void of stupid fucking warnings, and meaningless boxes you have to close before it will do anything you want it to do.   In fact, it doesn’t even ask me for permission to do anything. It just instinctively knows if something sucks, and it doesn’t do it.  Just like a good woman. 

So then, Bill Gates, sit on your mountain of benjamin’s and look down on all us low-life fools that gave you money. And wave good-bye to yet another customer who will use your name as an obscenity for eternity.  It’ll be easy to notice me.  I’m the one wearing the “EAT SHIT AND DIE BILL GATES” tee-shirt, and extending my middle finger to you as I show you my backside.  

Free At Last!

The Wonders Never Cease….

Well I did it.  It took me almost a year but it’s done.  Frankly, I didn’t think it was possible.  And I wasn’t the only one.  Judging by the looks I got from passers-by, they were amazed, and rightfully so.  People I’ve never spoken a word to came over to make positive comments, giving me the encouragement to push on and see this dreaded task through to the end.   Surprisingly easy for something that’s created so much tension and ill-will.    After all, the cornerstone of my argument for not doing it in the first place was singular:  It’s going to suck.   But,  the needle on the suck-o-meter barely budged.   I feel so liberated.

So, I am proud to announce to all of you that have given me your undying support since the inception of this blog  (last night seems so long ago)  that the door to my condo is now painted the regulation  shade of green. And if that isn’t enough for you over achievers out there, I’d also like to report that my door is now easily recognizable as I also installed new, regulation numbers, as detailed in the Condo Association Penal Code. 

No more will I hide behind the shrubs to avoid members of the Homeowners Association.  Never again will I walk to my car with my head hung low. Gone are the days I avoid community social events.  Free at last, free at last.

And, since I’m no longer on the most wanted list, I can now feel free to complain everyone else without drawing formerly unwanted attention to myself.  I’ll address them as “You People,” my new moniker for those less than desirable types that just can’t seem to get on the same sheet of music as the rest of us.   

Is There a Podiatrist in the House?

Let's start this off by talking about one of the very  few things on the planet that really gives me the willies. Women that wear those strappy, sexy shoes,  That really shouldn't.

Certainly, everyone has the right to wear whatever the hell they want.  But when it violates my Constitutional Rights, don't think I won't call the MIB in a heartbeat.  If a woman has nasty feet, crooked and / or  twisted up toes, why would she want to show them off?   Be merciful. 

And think of the edge of your shoes as a boundary.  Your toes shouldn't extend beyond that, lest your feet look like they're clawing at the earth.  Especially that extra long #2 toe....  That makes me woozy every time.  Make the world a better place. Wear socks. 

And that goes for you too, big girls. If your feet are as wide as snowboards,  leave the mules at home, will ya?